Leaning on the Everlasting Arms

I've had this song running through my head since about 12:30 Thursday night. Thursday afternoon, I had a check-up with my OB doc. Toward the end of the appointment, my doctor was going to check for the baby's heartbeat. He was having a little trouble locating the heartbeat, so he said, well, let's just go see it quick on an ultrasound. Neither he nor I was concerned at this point. I was thinking it would be fun to catch another glimpse of my little baby, and being almost 15 weeks pregnant, we should get a good view. Unfortunately, when the baby showed up on the monitor, the little flashing heartbeat that always accompanies this sight was not there. The doctor searched for several minutes. As I was laying there, it sunk in that there was no heartbeat. I didn't even know what to pray, other than, "Please, God, Please. Please, God." The doctor asked me a couple of times how far along I was so I told him, 14 weeks, 5 days. He did some measurements and said the baby was only measuring 13 weeks. I can't tell you how devastated I was when he came over and put his hand on my arm and said, "I'm so sorry."
He was so sympathetic and took so much time with me. I called Geoff and he came right away from work. The doctor wanted to do the measurements on a better, clearer machine, just to be sure to what stage the baby had developed, so we had done that while Geoff was on his way. It was too hard to look at the screen and see our perfect little baby on there, but knowing this baby was no longer with us.
Basically, my options were to go home and let this happen on its own (with a chance of still needing a D&C because I was so far along), or schedule a D&C. We opted for the D&C. This wasn't an easy decision because, honestly, I hate to think about what is done during that procedure. It's awful. But having a little control over how and when this was going to happen was preferable. We scheduled a D&C for the next day.
Needless to say, I didn't sleep much Thursday night. That's when "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" started running through my head. Such simple words, but so true. And knowing our little baby is now in Jesus's arms just made it so much more... applicable.
Friday we left for the surgery center and met my mom there (she had the boys since before Thursday's appointment). She stayed with us for a while in the waiting room and it was good to just have her there. We went back and we got started with everything you have to do before surgery. I really appreciate all the nurses, but some are very compassionate, and others, well, they try joking with you or talking about the weather. I was just not in the mood for that. This was a tramatic thing for me. The procedure went well, and I was in recovery for a couple of hours before we were sent home.
What I was dreading most was telling the boys. They were SO excited to have a baby brother or sister (they were convinced I was having a girl), that I couldn't stand the thought of having to tell them this news. And when we told them on Saturday afternoon, it went pretty much like I figured it would. Jaylen cried for a bit, he kept saying, "This is so sad, I really wanted another kid!" And Trevor just didn't really get it at first. Once we talked about the baby being in heaven and never getting sick or owies, and getting to see Jesus, they were pretty OK with it. Kids are quite resiliant like that. Trevor told me this morning, "I told you I was going to hurt the baby." (He would say this when he gave me a hug, he didn't want to squeeze too tight.) I tried my best to make him understand he never could have caused this and this didn't happen because of anything anyone did.
For the last 11 weeks, we have known about this little one. We have prayed for this little one. We have planned for this little one. We bought paint for the nursery. I have to remind myself that I don't need to look for diaper coupons or baby sales anymore. I don't understand why this happened, and I probably never will. But I know Who my Redeemer is, and I know Who holds the future.
"What have I to dread, what have I to fear, Leaning on the everlasting arms? I have blessed peace with my Lord so near, Leaning on the everlasting arms. Leaning, Leaning, Safe and secure from all alarms; Leaning, Leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms."