I love fall :)

Last Saturday we went to Stoney Ridge (the "pumpkin patch") with the boys... it was crazy busy, as usual, but so much fun. The boys love it, and it's become our yearly tradition. Hopefully this Christmas we'll make it to their live nativity - I think the boys would get a kick out of it. Anyhow, Stoney Ridge was great - we had nice weather, went through the corn maze, picked out our pumpkins, fed the animals, pet the animals, and got our kettle corn on the way out. It was a great day.

I'm doing better every day. Physically, things were very easy. Now I'm healing emotionally. As I was emailing to a friend, these things make us long for heaven just a bit more. :)

Now some cute pictures of our adorable little men (not that I'm biased or anything!) :

Life goes on...

The nurse called this afternoon with yesterday's lab results. She said they dropped "beautifully" from 404 to 49. I was hit with a few different emotions. First, I was a little sad... this is it, our baby for sure didn't make it (not that I really had many doubts after this weekend, but still, this seems more final). But, it was also a relief. I was surprised when she said the doctor thinks I had a complete miscarriage. I've heard stories and the doctor warned me of what a miscarriage would likely involve. What I experienced over the weekend didn't give me the impression that I was done. Nothing that had me reaching for that bottle of Vicodin the doctor prescribed "just in case." So, I've been afraid this could go on and on, they may want to do a D&C or medication to move things along, and honestly, I didn't want to do that if I could get away with not doing it. So I'm thankful this won't be a long, drawn-out process.

Geoff talked with Jaylen on Sunday night, and he handled it pretty well. He started crying a little when Daddy said there wasn't a baby in Mommy's tummy, but recovered quickly. Honestly, I feel kind of bad that we told Jaylen about the baby so early. He was just so excited. And I really didn't expect to have a miscarriage. I had 2 healthy little boys without any problems, and my mom never had a miscarriage, so I thought everything would be fine.

I work one day a week in a medical billing office, and the ladies there are so sweet. April came over last night to bring me some work, and had a gift and card. All the girls left little notes and signed the card, and then I opened the gift - the "Remember" Willow Tree figurine. Let me tell you, the tears started all over again! I so appreciate everyone who has been praying for us... it means so much to know people are thinking of us and praying.

I do believe that our baby is in heaven with Jesus now. That is both comforting and sad at the same time. Someday we'll see him or her, and what a reunion it will be!

Blessed Be Your Name

We heard this song by Matt Redman on our way home from the lab Wednesday.

I had to have a blood draw to check my HCG level because I was having a little spotting and passed a bit of tissue that morning. I was terrified that morning that I was having a miscarriage, but after talking to the nurse I felt as though everything was going to be OK. I wasn't bleeding or cramping, so everything would probably be fine.

The next morning, I headed to Bible study, and right when I sat down my cell phone rang. It was the nurse. She said the HCG was positive, but the numbers were a little low. She needed to talk to the doctor and would call me back. I called Geoff, told him what she said and that I would call him back when I heard more. A few minutes later the nurse called back, said to repeat the blood test on Friday (it should double it 2 days). I asked just how low the numbers were, she said they showed I would be about 4 1/2 weeks (I should have been almost 7). I knew then that we were in trouble. So I got the kids from childcare in church, and headed home. During the drive, I called Geoff. I cried most of the conversation, which Jaylen heard and prompted him to start crying. What a sweetie. I think it really scared him. If Mommy is crying, something must be really bad.

Geoff came home early again (thankfully - I was a wreck). So Friday I went to Bellingham for another blood draw and Geoff came home early to get Trevor off the bus. A couple of hours later, the nurse called with the results - the HCG went up, but only a little. I had told her earlier about some pain I'd had, so she scheduled an ultrasound at 3:30. I had about 20 minutes to figure out what to do with the boys, make some calls, pack some stuff for the boys and start drinking all that water you have to drink.

I am so thankful for my mom. She had to work on Friday (not her normal day) but she offered to help. So I called her, and we arranged for her to get Jaylen off the bus, and pick up Trevor from my sister Trischa's house where we would drop him off until my mom could get there. And she would keep the boys overnight - so nice.

Geoff and I headed in to Bellingham for the ultrasound. (Why do they have speed bumps in the parking lot at the ultrasound place? Don't they know how much water we have to drink before we get there?! )

I knew what to look for in the ultrasound, but didn't see it. The only thing we saw was a small sack (that looked empty). Next we headed to the doctor's office to talk things over with him. He explained a lot of things to us, and was very sympathetic. An ectopic pregnany was ruled out (which is what I was afraid of). Basically, what probably happened is: on day 5 of life, the cells split into 2 groups - one forms the placenta, the other forms the baby... and for whatever reason, the cells that form the baby just didn't take off. At least that's what he thinks happened.

I have to say, this made me feel a little better. Had we seen a little baby on the ultrasound, I think it would have been harder... He said the HCG levels were a bit of an anomaly, but to repeat the test on Monday. We talked over what might happen over the weekend and what to do...

Yesterday and today I've had some cramping and bleeding, and I'm assuming I'm somewhere in the middle of a miscarriage. I don't know if I'm just starting, or almost done.

Honestly, this has not been an easy week. I had no idea how hard this would be. But, my husband has been so good. And God is still great.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.