We heard this song by Matt Redman on our way home from the lab Wednesday.
I had to have a blood draw to check my HCG level because I was having a little spotting and passed a bit of tissue that morning. I was terrified that morning that I was having a miscarriage, but after talking to the nurse I felt as though everything was going to be OK. I wasn't bleeding or cramping, so everything would probably be fine.
The next morning, I headed to Bible study, and right when I sat down my cell phone rang. It was the nurse. She said the HCG was positive, but the numbers were a little low. She needed to talk to the doctor and would call me back. I called Geoff, told him what she said and that I would call him back when I heard more. A few minutes later the nurse called back, said to repeat the blood test on Friday (it should double it 2 days). I asked just how low the numbers were, she said they showed I would be about 4 1/2 weeks (I should have been almost 7). I knew then that we were in trouble. So I got the kids from childcare in church, and headed home. During the drive, I called Geoff. I cried most of the conversation, which Jaylen heard and prompted him to start crying. What a sweetie. I think it really scared him. If Mommy is crying, something must be really bad.
Geoff came home early again (thankfully - I was a wreck). So Friday I went to Bellingham for another blood draw and Geoff came home early to get Trevor off the bus. A couple of hours later, the nurse called with the results - the HCG went up, but only a little. I had told her earlier about some pain I'd had, so she scheduled an ultrasound at 3:30. I had about 20 minutes to figure out what to do with the boys, make some calls, pack some stuff for the boys and start drinking all that water you have to drink.
I am so thankful for my mom. She had to work on Friday (not her normal day) but she offered to help. So I called her, and we arranged for her to get Jaylen off the bus, and pick up Trevor from my sister Trischa's house where we would drop him off until my mom could get there. And she would keep the boys overnight - so nice.
Geoff and I headed in to Bellingham for the ultrasound. (Why do they have speed bumps in the parking lot at the ultrasound place? Don't they know how much water we have to drink before we get there?! )
I knew what to look for in the ultrasound, but didn't see it. The only thing we saw was a small sack (that looked empty). Next we headed to the doctor's office to talk things over with him. He explained a lot of things to us, and was very sympathetic. An ectopic pregnany was ruled out (which is what I was afraid of). Basically, what probably happened is: on day 5 of life, the cells split into 2 groups - one forms the placenta, the other forms the baby... and for whatever reason, the cells that form the baby just didn't take off. At least that's what he thinks happened.
I have to say, this made me feel a little better. Had we seen a little baby on the ultrasound, I think it would have been harder... He said the HCG levels were a bit of an anomaly, but to repeat the test on Monday. We talked over what might happen over the weekend and what to do...
Yesterday and today I've had some cramping and bleeding, and I'm assuming I'm somewhere in the middle of a miscarriage. I don't know if I'm just starting, or almost done.
Honestly, this has not been an easy week. I had no idea how hard this would be. But, my husband has been so good. And God is still great.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Oh sweetie..... I've never experienced anything like this, but I've watched two friends go through it and I know the pain is very tough and very real. Thank you for sharing your heart. I'm shedding some tears for you guys and I will be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteYou did manage to make me crack a smile with the speed bump comment.
I love how you used Blessed be the name of the Lord. That song has ministered to me in some tough times, as well.
Praying for you tonight. Cling to Him, He is faithful!
Psalm 94:19 has ministered to me today, hopefully it will speak to your heart, as well. "When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."
Roseanne, I saw your post on facebook and tracked you down again.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're going through all of this. It is tough. We've lost 2 babies at different stages and although different for everyone, the loss is still there regardless of "how far" your baby developed. You've loved that precious little one ever since you found out right? It doesn't matter if you lost a teeny cell or a were several months along, a life was still lost... I say this to help you realize it's ok to mourn deeply no matter what stage you think you were at. Sometimes, we try to tell ourselves to minimize our loss because of some timetable we think we are bound to. I pray that your healing process both physically and mentally will only draw you closer to your Saviour. Much love to you and yours... ~ Jess
PS. We did lose a twin very early on, and nine months later welcomed the other one - Keilah Grace into our lives. It's a long story, but I think it's worth a small glimmer of hope that something might work out. My HCG levels with her were that of someone only days pregnant while I was at least 6 weeks. Neither she, a sac, fetal pole, or a heartbeat showed up until she was 8 weeks old. And then there she was... a perfect 8 week in size baby. Shocked the pants off the medical community here...God has His own timetable. He's not bound to the book by any means. I don't want to give you false hope. I just wanted to encourage you somehow...
Thank you both for your prayers and kind words. I really did not expect this to hit me so hard. And Jess, you made me feel a little better, knowing that this little baby was loved from the time he or she was known of.... it's so hard to let go. I guess I felt like I shouldn't be so upset since I wasn't very far along, but this was our baby, and we won't get to meet him or her till we get to heaven. Thank you for helping me see it's OK to be so sad...
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