Leaning on the Everlasting Arms

I've had this song running through my head since about 12:30 Thursday night. Thursday afternoon, I had a check-up with my OB doc. Toward the end of the appointment, my doctor was going to check for the baby's heartbeat. He was having a little trouble locating the heartbeat, so he said, well, let's just go see it quick on an ultrasound. Neither he nor I was concerned at this point. I was thinking it would be fun to catch another glimpse of my little baby, and being almost 15 weeks pregnant, we should get a good view. Unfortunately, when the baby showed up on the monitor, the little flashing heartbeat that always accompanies this sight was not there. The doctor searched for several minutes. As I was laying there, it sunk in that there was no heartbeat. I didn't even know what to pray, other than, "Please, God, Please. Please, God." The doctor asked me a couple of times how far along I was so I told him, 14 weeks, 5 days. He did some measurements and said the baby was only measuring 13 weeks. I can't tell you how devastated I was when he came over and put his hand on my arm and said, "I'm so sorry."
He was so sympathetic and took so much time with me. I called Geoff and he came right away from work. The doctor wanted to do the measurements on a better, clearer machine, just to be sure to what stage the baby had developed, so we had done that while Geoff was on his way. It was too hard to look at the screen and see our perfect little baby on there, but knowing this baby was no longer with us.
Basically, my options were to go home and let this happen on its own (with a chance of still needing a D&C because I was so far along), or schedule a D&C. We opted for the D&C. This wasn't an easy decision because, honestly, I hate to think about what is done during that procedure. It's awful. But having a little control over how and when this was going to happen was preferable. We scheduled a D&C for the next day.
Needless to say, I didn't sleep much Thursday night. That's when "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" started running through my head. Such simple words, but so true. And knowing our little baby is now in Jesus's arms just made it so much more... applicable.
Friday we left for the surgery center and met my mom there (she had the boys since before Thursday's appointment). She stayed with us for a while in the waiting room and it was good to just have her there. We went back and we got started with everything you have to do before surgery. I really appreciate all the nurses, but some are very compassionate, and others, well, they try joking with you or talking about the weather. I was just not in the mood for that. This was a tramatic thing for me. The procedure went well, and I was in recovery for a couple of hours before we were sent home.
What I was dreading most was telling the boys. They were SO excited to have a baby brother or sister (they were convinced I was having a girl), that I couldn't stand the thought of having to tell them this news. And when we told them on Saturday afternoon, it went pretty much like I figured it would. Jaylen cried for a bit, he kept saying, "This is so sad, I really wanted another kid!" And Trevor just didn't really get it at first. Once we talked about the baby being in heaven and never getting sick or owies, and getting to see Jesus, they were pretty OK with it. Kids are quite resiliant like that. Trevor told me this morning, "I told you I was going to hurt the baby." (He would say this when he gave me a hug, he didn't want to squeeze too tight.) I tried my best to make him understand he never could have caused this and this didn't happen because of anything anyone did.
For the last 11 weeks, we have known about this little one. We have prayed for this little one. We have planned for this little one. We bought paint for the nursery. I have to remind myself that I don't need to look for diaper coupons or baby sales anymore. I don't understand why this happened, and I probably never will. But I know Who my Redeemer is, and I know Who holds the future.
"What have I to dread, what have I to fear, Leaning on the everlasting arms? I have blessed peace with my Lord so near, Leaning on the everlasting arms. Leaning, Leaning, Safe and secure from all alarms; Leaning, Leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms."

My 30th birthday present!

So it's not until November, but I already know what I get for my birthday this year.... :)
This little one is due November 26 (I'm 11 1/2 weeks), and we are so excited to meet him or her! We praise God for this baby and are praying for health and safety over the next 6 months!

Just a few random pictures...

Trevor caught his first fish this weekend up at Silver Lake! Camping was fun, but VERY wet and rainy the first half of the weekend!

Jaylen reading to his little brother. I LOVE it when these two get along so good!

Jaylen and Moby. He sure loves this kitty! Thankfully the feeling is (pretty much) mutual... most of the time. :)

My Boys!!

Trevor Bevor is 4!

Okay, I'm way behind, so have to post Trevor's birthday first... Trevor turned 4 the end of February and we celebrated by going down to Jungle Playland! It was SO fun! All the kids loved it, and almost everyone made it despite the snow in the area... Can't believe my "baby" is 4 - he hates it when I call him my baby! Trevor's a sweet little guy, but he's got a little fire in him too. :)

The kids ran and played and slid and jumped and rode and got a ton of energy out! Trevor loved his caterpillar cake, and we all had a great time!

My Trevor

This little guy is such a sweetie. :) We were at 5 Guys Burgers & Fries (which I highly recommend, by the way - kinda like In & Out) and he just put his arm around me and gave me kisses on the cheek, just because. I love it when he does that! We took the boys bowling for the first time last weekend, it was SO fun! They had loud music playing, and Trevor just started dancing and moving, jumping around. He's got rhythm. Unlike his mommy. :0)

Look Who's 6!

We celebrated Jaylen's 6th birthday a few weeks ago! Can't believe our little man is 6 years old already... His birthday fell on a Wednesday this year, so we went to McDonald's for dinner that night, then had his parties on Satuday. Phineas and Ferb was the theme for the day. In the afternoon, we had his "friends" party... two boys from school and a couple cousins came over - the kids had a great time, while the moms stuck around and we all chatted for a while. I have to say, it's pretty cool to see Jaylen's friends playing with him. This is such huge progress for Jaylen! That night we had the families over and had pizza and cake... Funniest part was when I put the cake in front of him. He looked at it, then looked up and said, "Sing!" Considering he used to hate the "Happy Birthday" song part of a birthday party, this was pretty funny to hear!

This picture is a little blurry, but I think it's still pretty cute!

Happy Birthday, Bubba!

Playing catch up....

Just a few pictures of some recent happenings around here - just before Christmas we had some family pictures done at the park. COLD day, but they turned out great. :) Christmas was so fun again this year, the kids look forward to it more and more each year. We tried to talk alot about Jesus's birthday and why he came to earth, etc. Santa and presents are so "in their faces" everywhere they turn, it's important to remind them of the real meaning of Christmas. One of the Christmas songs they play on our Christian station here is "I wonder what Christmas in heaven is like." I heard that while working one day, and it got me thinking. Our baby, instead of being born into this world, went straight to heaven. Was he or she celebrating Christmas? I don't know... maybe. God knows, and He was with him or her that day. Kinda crazy to think about. But I definitely missed our baby - even if we hadn't met our baby. The boys still mention "the baby" every once in a while, and I have to remind them that we don't have another baby yet. But they're just excited at the idea of having another baby in the family I guess, knowing we plan to have more. I kind of had it in my head that I would be able to get pregnant again right away, but that hasn't happened yet. Every month, I try not to get my hopes up too much, but it always bums me out a little when I find out I'm not pregnant. I know God has His timing, and He is the author and giver of life. I just need to wait on Him. He knows his plans for our lives, and I don't. So many people have gone through much harder things, lost many babies to miscarriage, lost a child to SIDS, or have never had the ability to be pregnant. I know there are so many out there "worse off" than me... but it still hurts. I guess God can't be our Comforter until we need to be comforted, right?

Anyhow, this post has gone in a totally different direction than I had planned, but moving on... Jaylen turned 6 last week - I can't believe that!! - and we had a couple of fun parties here. His first "friends" party, and then a big family party. So much fun! I don't have pictures of the parties on the computer yet, I'll have to get to those later! It was so cool to have Jaylen's friends from school over for his birthday. He told his teacher a few weeks ago that he had a best friend problem - TWO kids wanted to be his best friend! Wow - what a great problem for Jaylen to have! He's growing up so much. Poor little guy had an ear infection this last week. I know how bad those hurt! they also found a "Still's" heart murmur - just a benign murmur that a lot of kids get and outgrow. The doc said because of the infection his heart is working a little harder so it's easier to detect. We don't have to do anything about it - they'll just monitor it when he's in...

Sledding at Mt Baker! Geoff was off the week between Christmas and New Years, this was one of the many fun things we did that week...

Sorry, the pictures are being a pain to post! Above - Trevor on Christmas morning, below - Jaylen at Geoff's parents on Christmas Eve, they got us a Wii!!! (Sorry it's sideways, I tried to fix that...)

Watching "Frosty the Snowman" in their dumptrucks! :)