Playing catch up....

Just a few pictures of some recent happenings around here - just before Christmas we had some family pictures done at the park. COLD day, but they turned out great. :) Christmas was so fun again this year, the kids look forward to it more and more each year. We tried to talk alot about Jesus's birthday and why he came to earth, etc. Santa and presents are so "in their faces" everywhere they turn, it's important to remind them of the real meaning of Christmas. One of the Christmas songs they play on our Christian station here is "I wonder what Christmas in heaven is like." I heard that while working one day, and it got me thinking. Our baby, instead of being born into this world, went straight to heaven. Was he or she celebrating Christmas? I don't know... maybe. God knows, and He was with him or her that day. Kinda crazy to think about. But I definitely missed our baby - even if we hadn't met our baby. The boys still mention "the baby" every once in a while, and I have to remind them that we don't have another baby yet. But they're just excited at the idea of having another baby in the family I guess, knowing we plan to have more. I kind of had it in my head that I would be able to get pregnant again right away, but that hasn't happened yet. Every month, I try not to get my hopes up too much, but it always bums me out a little when I find out I'm not pregnant. I know God has His timing, and He is the author and giver of life. I just need to wait on Him. He knows his plans for our lives, and I don't. So many people have gone through much harder things, lost many babies to miscarriage, lost a child to SIDS, or have never had the ability to be pregnant. I know there are so many out there "worse off" than me... but it still hurts. I guess God can't be our Comforter until we need to be comforted, right?

Anyhow, this post has gone in a totally different direction than I had planned, but moving on... Jaylen turned 6 last week - I can't believe that!! - and we had a couple of fun parties here. His first "friends" party, and then a big family party. So much fun! I don't have pictures of the parties on the computer yet, I'll have to get to those later! It was so cool to have Jaylen's friends from school over for his birthday. He told his teacher a few weeks ago that he had a best friend problem - TWO kids wanted to be his best friend! Wow - what a great problem for Jaylen to have! He's growing up so much. Poor little guy had an ear infection this last week. I know how bad those hurt! they also found a "Still's" heart murmur - just a benign murmur that a lot of kids get and outgrow. The doc said because of the infection his heart is working a little harder so it's easier to detect. We don't have to do anything about it - they'll just monitor it when he's in...

Sledding at Mt Baker! Geoff was off the week between Christmas and New Years, this was one of the many fun things we did that week...

Sorry, the pictures are being a pain to post! Above - Trevor on Christmas morning, below - Jaylen at Geoff's parents on Christmas Eve, they got us a Wii!!! (Sorry it's sideways, I tried to fix that...)

Watching "Frosty the Snowman" in their dumptrucks! :)

POOP!

Poop. Poop! Poop!! PooP! POOP!!! OK, now that we're all a little more comfortable with today's subject, here goes: I'm reading this book called "Dancing with Max" by Chuck Colson's daughter (I don't remember her name and the book is way across the kitchen, so... sorry I don't have the author's name) about her son Max, who has autism. So far, I'm liking it.
Some things I can relate to... she tells a story about when he was 2 and they went to visit her dad and step mom. They had a bunch of people over and Max could only handle it for the first few minutes, and then the two of them ended up in a bedroom, separated from everyone else... Yep, I remember that. At least when Jaylen was younger. He was much happier away from the crowd, and I (or Geoff) would wind up isolated with Jaylen from everybody else. Now, Jaylen has come a LONG way since then. He is so much more social now, you'd hardly think he's the same kid.
Another thing I could relate to was the irrational fears. Yep - this is where the "poop" comes in. Ever since we started potty training, pooping on the potty has been an issue. It took what seemed like forever before he pooped on the potty.... then he would do fine for a while, then he wouldn't. Once he was done with pull-ups, he wouldn't really poop in his underwear, he would just make himself miserable trying to NOT poop. And poop on a public toilet? Forget it! You want to know his biggest hangup with pooping? He's terrified the toilet is going to plug up.
That's it.
One would think, what's the big deal? But to Jaylen, it is a VERY big deal. He's even seen a toilet plug, seen it get plunged, and found that it's really not the arrival of the end of the world. But, it doesn't matter. Every few days, we end up bribing, pushing, threatening... whatever it takes to make him sit on the toilet. He makes himself so miserable! But, funny thing is, after he does, he wants "help" flushing the toilet, and he always wants the lid down so he doesn't have to witness such a terrifying event.
Last week he had diarrhea. Oy. Not a fun week. I remember the first time he had it after he was potty trained. I informed him he had diarrhea, and he started crying his eyes out. He was so scared that it was going to "die" him (DIEarrhea). He's pretty literal. He also thought the dentist was going to give him a DENT in his head. :)
Sometimes it's funny, most times it's frustrating as all get-out. Maybe some day I'll figure out what exactly he thinks is going to happen so I can assure him it won't. But until then, I guess we'll continue to bribe, push, and threaten... And don't get me started on the automatic-flush toilets in public restrooms! I'm convinced that some day Jaylen will invent a toilet that is totally silent and will never plug. :)

Oh, Jaylen

It all started last week with Jaylen being sick. He has school Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, but missed all of them last week because he had a high fever. He didn't eat well and was pretty tired most of the week. By Saturday, the fever was gone, but the crabbies were starting to set in. I was gone on the Santa Express bus trip (super-fun shopping trip with 8 busloads of women to Seattle!) so we had hired a babysitter for Saturday night while Geoff went out for dinner with his dad's family for his unlce's 80th birthday. So when I got home Saturday night, babysitter Paige said Jaylen wasn't very good for her (usually Jaylen is pretty good for everyone but his parents, so this was odd). Then we had the time change. Sunday morning Jaylen was about the worst he's ever been in church, and actually bit Geoff towards the end of the service. We went home and he took an almost 3 hour nap. Sunday night, he was still pretty crabby, and yesterday my mom said he's never been that naughty for her (again, he's usually good for other adults). This morning rolls around, and he tells me, "I'm going to be really good today, Mommy." Sounds good. Well, that lasted all of about ten minutes before the backtalking and fighting with his brother started. Then, he was waiting for the bus at the entrance of our cul-de-sac, and I couldn't find my shoes so I was standing in the driveway and yelled goodbye to him. He wanted me to go there, and started crying, so I told the busdriver to just go (after walking on the cold, wet pavement in my socks). I knew once we hit this point, things would only go downhill. So I took Jaylen to school, and we did his parent-teacher conference we were supposed to do Friday but he was sick. Well, when Mrs Wells told him we were going to go out of the classroom for a few minutes for the conference the tears started all over. She talked to him and then he was fine... then when we were done talking with him, he went back to the class, and his teacher and I talked for a few minutes. Then I heard him crying so she went in there, and I left.

I wondered how things were going to go after him being off school for a week. The same thing happened when he was in preschool, after a break of a week or two, he would have a hard time going again.

I know that some kids can have the same thing and some people probably wonder why this is so draining to me. But as Jaylen's mommy, it just make me sad when he's having such a hard time with something. Routine is so huge to people with autism, and Jaylen is no different. Every parent wants their child to be happy, and I don't mean the "buy your kid every candy and toy they want so they'll be happy" kind of happy. I just mean the run around and play with other kids, laugh, and smile kind of happy. Jaylen has those times, but so often he's just so NOT happy. He's very negetive and this morning I saw it in how he interacted with Dominic (his friend at school). Dominic asked him if he had hot lunch today, Jaylen said no, and Dominic asked if they could eat their cold lunches together. Jaylen got a scowl on his face, and said "No, I don't want to do that again" and stomped off. I feel like this fragile friendship won't last if he's going to be like that, and honestly it makes me want to cry. Just a few weeks ago, I posted on Facebook how good it is to see Jaylen playing with other kids and making friends at school (Dominic and Dale). I'm sure Jaylen will get past this negetive/crabby period of time, but right now... it's tough. Things are just harder with Jaylen. Because when Jaylen goes through a time like this, I know part of it is related to autism. I love Jaylen, and I want him to succeed and by happy and most of all to love God. That's another thing that scares me. I know he's only 5, and sometimes he talks about Jesus and heaven in a good way, other times he doesn't. So I guess the point of my dis-jointed little (ok, not so little) post here, is, well, partly to vent, but also that maybe people could pray for Jaylen. Pray that he can overcome some of his difficulties with school, pray that he can be happy, and most of all pray that he would some day love Jesus.

Sometimes when I talk about the things Jaylen does, people will say that their kids do that too, or lots of kids do those things... But with Jaylen it's different. Part of it is knowing he has autism (no matter how mild) and those other kids don't. It's like a tantrem times ten. Talking back times ten. Crabby times ten. And the fact that I want Jaylen to be like other kids, but in some ways, he's just NOT. And I have to be OK with that. I think of the serenity prayer often!

Anyhow, if you've actually taken the time to read this whole post, thanks. :) And thanks for praying for our Bubba. We love him so much and want what's best for him!

I love fall :)

Last Saturday we went to Stoney Ridge (the "pumpkin patch") with the boys... it was crazy busy, as usual, but so much fun. The boys love it, and it's become our yearly tradition. Hopefully this Christmas we'll make it to their live nativity - I think the boys would get a kick out of it. Anyhow, Stoney Ridge was great - we had nice weather, went through the corn maze, picked out our pumpkins, fed the animals, pet the animals, and got our kettle corn on the way out. It was a great day.

I'm doing better every day. Physically, things were very easy. Now I'm healing emotionally. As I was emailing to a friend, these things make us long for heaven just a bit more. :)

Now some cute pictures of our adorable little men (not that I'm biased or anything!) :

Life goes on...

The nurse called this afternoon with yesterday's lab results. She said they dropped "beautifully" from 404 to 49. I was hit with a few different emotions. First, I was a little sad... this is it, our baby for sure didn't make it (not that I really had many doubts after this weekend, but still, this seems more final). But, it was also a relief. I was surprised when she said the doctor thinks I had a complete miscarriage. I've heard stories and the doctor warned me of what a miscarriage would likely involve. What I experienced over the weekend didn't give me the impression that I was done. Nothing that had me reaching for that bottle of Vicodin the doctor prescribed "just in case." So, I've been afraid this could go on and on, they may want to do a D&C or medication to move things along, and honestly, I didn't want to do that if I could get away with not doing it. So I'm thankful this won't be a long, drawn-out process.

Geoff talked with Jaylen on Sunday night, and he handled it pretty well. He started crying a little when Daddy said there wasn't a baby in Mommy's tummy, but recovered quickly. Honestly, I feel kind of bad that we told Jaylen about the baby so early. He was just so excited. And I really didn't expect to have a miscarriage. I had 2 healthy little boys without any problems, and my mom never had a miscarriage, so I thought everything would be fine.

I work one day a week in a medical billing office, and the ladies there are so sweet. April came over last night to bring me some work, and had a gift and card. All the girls left little notes and signed the card, and then I opened the gift - the "Remember" Willow Tree figurine. Let me tell you, the tears started all over again! I so appreciate everyone who has been praying for us... it means so much to know people are thinking of us and praying.

I do believe that our baby is in heaven with Jesus now. That is both comforting and sad at the same time. Someday we'll see him or her, and what a reunion it will be!

Blessed Be Your Name

We heard this song by Matt Redman on our way home from the lab Wednesday.

I had to have a blood draw to check my HCG level because I was having a little spotting and passed a bit of tissue that morning. I was terrified that morning that I was having a miscarriage, but after talking to the nurse I felt as though everything was going to be OK. I wasn't bleeding or cramping, so everything would probably be fine.

The next morning, I headed to Bible study, and right when I sat down my cell phone rang. It was the nurse. She said the HCG was positive, but the numbers were a little low. She needed to talk to the doctor and would call me back. I called Geoff, told him what she said and that I would call him back when I heard more. A few minutes later the nurse called back, said to repeat the blood test on Friday (it should double it 2 days). I asked just how low the numbers were, she said they showed I would be about 4 1/2 weeks (I should have been almost 7). I knew then that we were in trouble. So I got the kids from childcare in church, and headed home. During the drive, I called Geoff. I cried most of the conversation, which Jaylen heard and prompted him to start crying. What a sweetie. I think it really scared him. If Mommy is crying, something must be really bad.

Geoff came home early again (thankfully - I was a wreck). So Friday I went to Bellingham for another blood draw and Geoff came home early to get Trevor off the bus. A couple of hours later, the nurse called with the results - the HCG went up, but only a little. I had told her earlier about some pain I'd had, so she scheduled an ultrasound at 3:30. I had about 20 minutes to figure out what to do with the boys, make some calls, pack some stuff for the boys and start drinking all that water you have to drink.

I am so thankful for my mom. She had to work on Friday (not her normal day) but she offered to help. So I called her, and we arranged for her to get Jaylen off the bus, and pick up Trevor from my sister Trischa's house where we would drop him off until my mom could get there. And she would keep the boys overnight - so nice.

Geoff and I headed in to Bellingham for the ultrasound. (Why do they have speed bumps in the parking lot at the ultrasound place? Don't they know how much water we have to drink before we get there?! )

I knew what to look for in the ultrasound, but didn't see it. The only thing we saw was a small sack (that looked empty). Next we headed to the doctor's office to talk things over with him. He explained a lot of things to us, and was very sympathetic. An ectopic pregnany was ruled out (which is what I was afraid of). Basically, what probably happened is: on day 5 of life, the cells split into 2 groups - one forms the placenta, the other forms the baby... and for whatever reason, the cells that form the baby just didn't take off. At least that's what he thinks happened.

I have to say, this made me feel a little better. Had we seen a little baby on the ultrasound, I think it would have been harder... He said the HCG levels were a bit of an anomaly, but to repeat the test on Monday. We talked over what might happen over the weekend and what to do...

Yesterday and today I've had some cramping and bleeding, and I'm assuming I'm somewhere in the middle of a miscarriage. I don't know if I'm just starting, or almost done.

Honestly, this has not been an easy week. I had no idea how hard this would be. But, my husband has been so good. And God is still great.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

And Baby Makes 5!

So we had a blast this weekend telling our families that we are going to have another baby!
We tried for a very long time, so didn't want to wait very long to let everyone know the big news...
Well, that, and we couldn't tell our kids till we told everyone else because we knew Jaylen would spill the beans! And the boys are SO excited to have a baby brother or sister... Jaylen's hoping for a girl, and Trevor's wishing for a boy. I don't think we'll find out what we are having, so it'll be a big surprise in the end!
My due date is May 27, so we've got a long ways to go... I just want to paint the nursery, set the crib back up, wash the baby clothes, find all the baby stuff and get it all organized. And then I have to tell myself I have about 34 weeks to do that!
Yep, I'm excited! :)
So far, feeling pretty good, although a little tired (what would pregnancy be without sleepiness?!). And if this pregnany is similar to my previous two, I may end up a bit nauseous in a couple of weeks... Right now praying this baby will grow stong and healthy, and we won't have any complications!