Well, let's see...

It's hard to remember what has happened since my last post since it's been so long... But, some things ARE happening and I have this urge to get some feelings down in words. In my last post I mentioned Geoff's shoulder surgery. Well, he outdid himself this time and got himself a double TLIF (spinal fusion) with 6 screws and 2 rods in 3 vertebrae, plus a laminectomy in the disc above. He was in surgery for 7 hours, and spent 3 nights in the hospital. He's back to work now and doing way too much in my humble opinion. :)
Last November Geoff and I attended classes to become foster parents. It's a long process... we just got licensed in July, and that was because we got lucky and got a lady from another county who licensed us quickly. Our fostering journey began about a week after we got our license. We took care of a 6 month old little boy for 10 days while his foster family (from our church) went on vacation. We had so much fun and I just loved taking care of a baby again. Then 3 days after he went back to his foster family, we took our first placement, a little 5 month old baby girl.
It was a little bumpy at first. You know, nothing like an ear infection to kick off a new family for this baby girl. Great way to get settled in. :) But, we are falling in love with her, and she is doing so well in our home. She is thriving. She is growing from the tiny little peanut she came as. She is smiling. She is giggling. And she loves us.
She has been in our home for almost two months now, and I didn't realize just how quick I would get attached to this fiery little lady. And it hit me today. Her social worker mentioned the goal of placing her with a sibling (who we are probably going to take), but that the sibling's home might be able to take her in a couple of months if we couldn't take the sibling soon. WHOA. Wait a minute. I'm supposed to be able to keep her for a few more months. I think I kind of panicked internally. What would I do if they take her away soon? I'm not ready to give her back yet. Then I met Baby Girl's mom. Can I tell you my heart went out to her! The social worker told her this would be a good time if she had any questions for the foster families. She just teared up and said she just wants to know that her kids are taken care of. I wanted to hug her but I didn't think she would want a hug from me, the lady who gets to cuddle, feed, change, bathe, play with, and nurture her baby. But I told her she is doing so well, she's smiling lots and happy. We are loving her and taking good care of Baby for her.
This was one of those situations that is so hard to know what the right thing to say is. I wish I could have told her that I can't imagine how hard it must be for her to not have her children with her. I would be such a wreck if my kids went to live with another family. Obviously there are issues or she would not have the children taken from her, but I'm trying to be empathetic.
Now, I realize that this is kind of what we signed up for - foster care is meant to be temporary. Yes, we do want to adopt but we knew going into this that there are no guarantees and that in this case, there is a good chance she will go back to her mom.
But.
It's still going to be hard.
But.
I'm still going to love her. Snuggle her. Play with her. Nurture her. Because that's what she needs, whether that's making it harder for me to give her back or not. And when (if) the day comes that she moves on from our home, I will cling that much more to the Lord. Because He loves her even more than I do, and He knows where her life will take her.

Still kickin...

Believe it or not, I am still alive. Not that you would know it from the activity (or lack thereof) on my blog. :) I guess there just isn't that much interesting stuff going on. Geoff had his shoulder surgery on my birthday (rotator cuff repair and removal of bone spurs off his clavicle). This is his 3rd and final week off of work, and I think he's really ready to go back. He can't totally stay away (he's been by there a few times already), and I think our house is getting pretty boring to him. I was afraid he would get really sick and tired of sitting around the house and being around me and the boys all the time, but it hasn't been bad at all. :) We are working on getting our house ready to put on the market, with a goal of listing it in January. Time to move to the "promised land" (aka Lynden). We'll see how long it takes to sell, but we're going to price it well and hopefully it won't take forever. :) Of course we are also getting ready for Christmas, which is so fun with the kids. Because Geoff's arm will be out of commission for a while, I got to cut down our 10th Christmas tree. Hard to believe we will celebrate our 10th Christmas since we got married, and our 10th anniversary in a few months. God is and has been so good to us.

We continue to seek God's will for our family. We really want to add to our family, but we are considering how it affects my health (and how my health would affect a baby), not to mention concerns of autism. We definitely feel a pull toward adoption, but we would have to figure out just how to fund that. I also have a heart for foster care. It's something I've thought about since before we had Jaylen, as something that would be great to do when our own kids are a little older. I'm still hoping that God will bless us with another little one, and then from there we could add to our family by adoption/foster care. It's all a lot to think about and pray about! I know God has a plan and we can't wait to see it unfold!

So that, for now, is our update... and here is a picture of us. :)

Doing good in heaven

So it's been a long time since I've updated. A really long time. What have we been up to? Well, Jaylen has started first grade (which thankfully he likes so far), and Trevor is starting preschool in a few days. We had fun at the fair, took a trip down to Seattle to take in the Pacific Science Center, joined the fun at the Nydam family reunion, visited with my sister, Wendy and her family, took the trailer over to Winthrop to camp with my brother and sister and their families, and to Idaho to Silverwood Theme Park. Yes, it's been a fun summer. We didn't really get summer weather till August, so it went really quick! And just last weekend we took the trailer over to Moses Lake for the weekend. The guys got to go 4-wheeling in the dunes, and we rented a 3-seater quad thing that the kids could go on too. Pretty fun.

So where did I come up with the title? Well, that would be complements of Trevor. See, he's only 4, but he sure knows that there is someone missing in our family. A couple of weeks ago, he wanted to pray for our baby, and I told him our baby is in heaven so we don't really need to pray that our baby is doing good (and we talked a little about heaven). So instead he prayed, "Thank you that our baby is doing good in heaven." He talks about our baby quite often. I sure hope the Lord blesses our family with another baby. :)

Now for one of the reasons I haven't blogged in a while. My friend and faithful blog follower, Rebecca, is now doing good in heaven too. She battled cancer for 3 years. We mostly communicated through our blogs, commenting on most of each other's posts. We hadn't actually talked in years (she lives in Iowa) but I would always think of Becca when writing my posts, because she was one person I knew would be reading them. :) You see, Becca was so influential in my walk with Jesus. She was my counselor at Box T camp when I was 16, and then we counseled together for two years. People say, "What would Jesus do?" I would sometimes think, "What would Becca do?" Her love for the Lord was so apparent. She had an amazing talent with her violin. She could play so beautifully - and she did for our wedding. We used to play together, her with her violin, and me at the piano. I miss those times, now especially. Towards the end, Becca was so sick. You can read her blog here: http://beccarankin.blogspot.com/ . What a comfort to know that she is breathing deeply, living with her Savior. She was married and had 2 little girls, just younger than our 2 boys. I think of her family and pray for them often. I guess I like to think that maybe Becca is holding our little babies we didn't get to hold. And I can't wait to see them all someday!

Leaning on the Everlasting Arms

I've had this song running through my head since about 12:30 Thursday night. Thursday afternoon, I had a check-up with my OB doc. Toward the end of the appointment, my doctor was going to check for the baby's heartbeat. He was having a little trouble locating the heartbeat, so he said, well, let's just go see it quick on an ultrasound. Neither he nor I was concerned at this point. I was thinking it would be fun to catch another glimpse of my little baby, and being almost 15 weeks pregnant, we should get a good view. Unfortunately, when the baby showed up on the monitor, the little flashing heartbeat that always accompanies this sight was not there. The doctor searched for several minutes. As I was laying there, it sunk in that there was no heartbeat. I didn't even know what to pray, other than, "Please, God, Please. Please, God." The doctor asked me a couple of times how far along I was so I told him, 14 weeks, 5 days. He did some measurements and said the baby was only measuring 13 weeks. I can't tell you how devastated I was when he came over and put his hand on my arm and said, "I'm so sorry."
He was so sympathetic and took so much time with me. I called Geoff and he came right away from work. The doctor wanted to do the measurements on a better, clearer machine, just to be sure to what stage the baby had developed, so we had done that while Geoff was on his way. It was too hard to look at the screen and see our perfect little baby on there, but knowing this baby was no longer with us.
Basically, my options were to go home and let this happen on its own (with a chance of still needing a D&C because I was so far along), or schedule a D&C. We opted for the D&C. This wasn't an easy decision because, honestly, I hate to think about what is done during that procedure. It's awful. But having a little control over how and when this was going to happen was preferable. We scheduled a D&C for the next day.
Needless to say, I didn't sleep much Thursday night. That's when "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" started running through my head. Such simple words, but so true. And knowing our little baby is now in Jesus's arms just made it so much more... applicable.
Friday we left for the surgery center and met my mom there (she had the boys since before Thursday's appointment). She stayed with us for a while in the waiting room and it was good to just have her there. We went back and we got started with everything you have to do before surgery. I really appreciate all the nurses, but some are very compassionate, and others, well, they try joking with you or talking about the weather. I was just not in the mood for that. This was a tramatic thing for me. The procedure went well, and I was in recovery for a couple of hours before we were sent home.
What I was dreading most was telling the boys. They were SO excited to have a baby brother or sister (they were convinced I was having a girl), that I couldn't stand the thought of having to tell them this news. And when we told them on Saturday afternoon, it went pretty much like I figured it would. Jaylen cried for a bit, he kept saying, "This is so sad, I really wanted another kid!" And Trevor just didn't really get it at first. Once we talked about the baby being in heaven and never getting sick or owies, and getting to see Jesus, they were pretty OK with it. Kids are quite resiliant like that. Trevor told me this morning, "I told you I was going to hurt the baby." (He would say this when he gave me a hug, he didn't want to squeeze too tight.) I tried my best to make him understand he never could have caused this and this didn't happen because of anything anyone did.
For the last 11 weeks, we have known about this little one. We have prayed for this little one. We have planned for this little one. We bought paint for the nursery. I have to remind myself that I don't need to look for diaper coupons or baby sales anymore. I don't understand why this happened, and I probably never will. But I know Who my Redeemer is, and I know Who holds the future.
"What have I to dread, what have I to fear, Leaning on the everlasting arms? I have blessed peace with my Lord so near, Leaning on the everlasting arms. Leaning, Leaning, Safe and secure from all alarms; Leaning, Leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms."

My 30th birthday present!

So it's not until November, but I already know what I get for my birthday this year.... :)
This little one is due November 26 (I'm 11 1/2 weeks), and we are so excited to meet him or her! We praise God for this baby and are praying for health and safety over the next 6 months!

Just a few random pictures...

Trevor caught his first fish this weekend up at Silver Lake! Camping was fun, but VERY wet and rainy the first half of the weekend!

Jaylen reading to his little brother. I LOVE it when these two get along so good!

Jaylen and Moby. He sure loves this kitty! Thankfully the feeling is (pretty much) mutual... most of the time. :)

My Boys!!

Trevor Bevor is 4!

Okay, I'm way behind, so have to post Trevor's birthday first... Trevor turned 4 the end of February and we celebrated by going down to Jungle Playland! It was SO fun! All the kids loved it, and almost everyone made it despite the snow in the area... Can't believe my "baby" is 4 - he hates it when I call him my baby! Trevor's a sweet little guy, but he's got a little fire in him too. :)

The kids ran and played and slid and jumped and rode and got a ton of energy out! Trevor loved his caterpillar cake, and we all had a great time!

My Trevor

This little guy is such a sweetie. :) We were at 5 Guys Burgers & Fries (which I highly recommend, by the way - kinda like In & Out) and he just put his arm around me and gave me kisses on the cheek, just because. I love it when he does that! We took the boys bowling for the first time last weekend, it was SO fun! They had loud music playing, and Trevor just started dancing and moving, jumping around. He's got rhythm. Unlike his mommy. :0)

Look Who's 6!

We celebrated Jaylen's 6th birthday a few weeks ago! Can't believe our little man is 6 years old already... His birthday fell on a Wednesday this year, so we went to McDonald's for dinner that night, then had his parties on Satuday. Phineas and Ferb was the theme for the day. In the afternoon, we had his "friends" party... two boys from school and a couple cousins came over - the kids had a great time, while the moms stuck around and we all chatted for a while. I have to say, it's pretty cool to see Jaylen's friends playing with him. This is such huge progress for Jaylen! That night we had the families over and had pizza and cake... Funniest part was when I put the cake in front of him. He looked at it, then looked up and said, "Sing!" Considering he used to hate the "Happy Birthday" song part of a birthday party, this was pretty funny to hear!

This picture is a little blurry, but I think it's still pretty cute!

Happy Birthday, Bubba!

Playing catch up....

Just a few pictures of some recent happenings around here - just before Christmas we had some family pictures done at the park. COLD day, but they turned out great. :) Christmas was so fun again this year, the kids look forward to it more and more each year. We tried to talk alot about Jesus's birthday and why he came to earth, etc. Santa and presents are so "in their faces" everywhere they turn, it's important to remind them of the real meaning of Christmas. One of the Christmas songs they play on our Christian station here is "I wonder what Christmas in heaven is like." I heard that while working one day, and it got me thinking. Our baby, instead of being born into this world, went straight to heaven. Was he or she celebrating Christmas? I don't know... maybe. God knows, and He was with him or her that day. Kinda crazy to think about. But I definitely missed our baby - even if we hadn't met our baby. The boys still mention "the baby" every once in a while, and I have to remind them that we don't have another baby yet. But they're just excited at the idea of having another baby in the family I guess, knowing we plan to have more. I kind of had it in my head that I would be able to get pregnant again right away, but that hasn't happened yet. Every month, I try not to get my hopes up too much, but it always bums me out a little when I find out I'm not pregnant. I know God has His timing, and He is the author and giver of life. I just need to wait on Him. He knows his plans for our lives, and I don't. So many people have gone through much harder things, lost many babies to miscarriage, lost a child to SIDS, or have never had the ability to be pregnant. I know there are so many out there "worse off" than me... but it still hurts. I guess God can't be our Comforter until we need to be comforted, right?

Anyhow, this post has gone in a totally different direction than I had planned, but moving on... Jaylen turned 6 last week - I can't believe that!! - and we had a couple of fun parties here. His first "friends" party, and then a big family party. So much fun! I don't have pictures of the parties on the computer yet, I'll have to get to those later! It was so cool to have Jaylen's friends from school over for his birthday. He told his teacher a few weeks ago that he had a best friend problem - TWO kids wanted to be his best friend! Wow - what a great problem for Jaylen to have! He's growing up so much. Poor little guy had an ear infection this last week. I know how bad those hurt! they also found a "Still's" heart murmur - just a benign murmur that a lot of kids get and outgrow. The doc said because of the infection his heart is working a little harder so it's easier to detect. We don't have to do anything about it - they'll just monitor it when he's in...

Sledding at Mt Baker! Geoff was off the week between Christmas and New Years, this was one of the many fun things we did that week...

Sorry, the pictures are being a pain to post! Above - Trevor on Christmas morning, below - Jaylen at Geoff's parents on Christmas Eve, they got us a Wii!!! (Sorry it's sideways, I tried to fix that...)

Watching "Frosty the Snowman" in their dumptrucks! :)

POOP!

Poop. Poop! Poop!! PooP! POOP!!! OK, now that we're all a little more comfortable with today's subject, here goes: I'm reading this book called "Dancing with Max" by Chuck Colson's daughter (I don't remember her name and the book is way across the kitchen, so... sorry I don't have the author's name) about her son Max, who has autism. So far, I'm liking it.
Some things I can relate to... she tells a story about when he was 2 and they went to visit her dad and step mom. They had a bunch of people over and Max could only handle it for the first few minutes, and then the two of them ended up in a bedroom, separated from everyone else... Yep, I remember that. At least when Jaylen was younger. He was much happier away from the crowd, and I (or Geoff) would wind up isolated with Jaylen from everybody else. Now, Jaylen has come a LONG way since then. He is so much more social now, you'd hardly think he's the same kid.
Another thing I could relate to was the irrational fears. Yep - this is where the "poop" comes in. Ever since we started potty training, pooping on the potty has been an issue. It took what seemed like forever before he pooped on the potty.... then he would do fine for a while, then he wouldn't. Once he was done with pull-ups, he wouldn't really poop in his underwear, he would just make himself miserable trying to NOT poop. And poop on a public toilet? Forget it! You want to know his biggest hangup with pooping? He's terrified the toilet is going to plug up.
That's it.
One would think, what's the big deal? But to Jaylen, it is a VERY big deal. He's even seen a toilet plug, seen it get plunged, and found that it's really not the arrival of the end of the world. But, it doesn't matter. Every few days, we end up bribing, pushing, threatening... whatever it takes to make him sit on the toilet. He makes himself so miserable! But, funny thing is, after he does, he wants "help" flushing the toilet, and he always wants the lid down so he doesn't have to witness such a terrifying event.
Last week he had diarrhea. Oy. Not a fun week. I remember the first time he had it after he was potty trained. I informed him he had diarrhea, and he started crying his eyes out. He was so scared that it was going to "die" him (DIEarrhea). He's pretty literal. He also thought the dentist was going to give him a DENT in his head. :)
Sometimes it's funny, most times it's frustrating as all get-out. Maybe some day I'll figure out what exactly he thinks is going to happen so I can assure him it won't. But until then, I guess we'll continue to bribe, push, and threaten... And don't get me started on the automatic-flush toilets in public restrooms! I'm convinced that some day Jaylen will invent a toilet that is totally silent and will never plug. :)

Oh, Jaylen

It all started last week with Jaylen being sick. He has school Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, but missed all of them last week because he had a high fever. He didn't eat well and was pretty tired most of the week. By Saturday, the fever was gone, but the crabbies were starting to set in. I was gone on the Santa Express bus trip (super-fun shopping trip with 8 busloads of women to Seattle!) so we had hired a babysitter for Saturday night while Geoff went out for dinner with his dad's family for his unlce's 80th birthday. So when I got home Saturday night, babysitter Paige said Jaylen wasn't very good for her (usually Jaylen is pretty good for everyone but his parents, so this was odd). Then we had the time change. Sunday morning Jaylen was about the worst he's ever been in church, and actually bit Geoff towards the end of the service. We went home and he took an almost 3 hour nap. Sunday night, he was still pretty crabby, and yesterday my mom said he's never been that naughty for her (again, he's usually good for other adults). This morning rolls around, and he tells me, "I'm going to be really good today, Mommy." Sounds good. Well, that lasted all of about ten minutes before the backtalking and fighting with his brother started. Then, he was waiting for the bus at the entrance of our cul-de-sac, and I couldn't find my shoes so I was standing in the driveway and yelled goodbye to him. He wanted me to go there, and started crying, so I told the busdriver to just go (after walking on the cold, wet pavement in my socks). I knew once we hit this point, things would only go downhill. So I took Jaylen to school, and we did his parent-teacher conference we were supposed to do Friday but he was sick. Well, when Mrs Wells told him we were going to go out of the classroom for a few minutes for the conference the tears started all over. She talked to him and then he was fine... then when we were done talking with him, he went back to the class, and his teacher and I talked for a few minutes. Then I heard him crying so she went in there, and I left.

I wondered how things were going to go after him being off school for a week. The same thing happened when he was in preschool, after a break of a week or two, he would have a hard time going again.

I know that some kids can have the same thing and some people probably wonder why this is so draining to me. But as Jaylen's mommy, it just make me sad when he's having such a hard time with something. Routine is so huge to people with autism, and Jaylen is no different. Every parent wants their child to be happy, and I don't mean the "buy your kid every candy and toy they want so they'll be happy" kind of happy. I just mean the run around and play with other kids, laugh, and smile kind of happy. Jaylen has those times, but so often he's just so NOT happy. He's very negetive and this morning I saw it in how he interacted with Dominic (his friend at school). Dominic asked him if he had hot lunch today, Jaylen said no, and Dominic asked if they could eat their cold lunches together. Jaylen got a scowl on his face, and said "No, I don't want to do that again" and stomped off. I feel like this fragile friendship won't last if he's going to be like that, and honestly it makes me want to cry. Just a few weeks ago, I posted on Facebook how good it is to see Jaylen playing with other kids and making friends at school (Dominic and Dale). I'm sure Jaylen will get past this negetive/crabby period of time, but right now... it's tough. Things are just harder with Jaylen. Because when Jaylen goes through a time like this, I know part of it is related to autism. I love Jaylen, and I want him to succeed and by happy and most of all to love God. That's another thing that scares me. I know he's only 5, and sometimes he talks about Jesus and heaven in a good way, other times he doesn't. So I guess the point of my dis-jointed little (ok, not so little) post here, is, well, partly to vent, but also that maybe people could pray for Jaylen. Pray that he can overcome some of his difficulties with school, pray that he can be happy, and most of all pray that he would some day love Jesus.

Sometimes when I talk about the things Jaylen does, people will say that their kids do that too, or lots of kids do those things... But with Jaylen it's different. Part of it is knowing he has autism (no matter how mild) and those other kids don't. It's like a tantrem times ten. Talking back times ten. Crabby times ten. And the fact that I want Jaylen to be like other kids, but in some ways, he's just NOT. And I have to be OK with that. I think of the serenity prayer often!

Anyhow, if you've actually taken the time to read this whole post, thanks. :) And thanks for praying for our Bubba. We love him so much and want what's best for him!

I love fall :)

Last Saturday we went to Stoney Ridge (the "pumpkin patch") with the boys... it was crazy busy, as usual, but so much fun. The boys love it, and it's become our yearly tradition. Hopefully this Christmas we'll make it to their live nativity - I think the boys would get a kick out of it. Anyhow, Stoney Ridge was great - we had nice weather, went through the corn maze, picked out our pumpkins, fed the animals, pet the animals, and got our kettle corn on the way out. It was a great day.

I'm doing better every day. Physically, things were very easy. Now I'm healing emotionally. As I was emailing to a friend, these things make us long for heaven just a bit more. :)

Now some cute pictures of our adorable little men (not that I'm biased or anything!) :

Life goes on...

The nurse called this afternoon with yesterday's lab results. She said they dropped "beautifully" from 404 to 49. I was hit with a few different emotions. First, I was a little sad... this is it, our baby for sure didn't make it (not that I really had many doubts after this weekend, but still, this seems more final). But, it was also a relief. I was surprised when she said the doctor thinks I had a complete miscarriage. I've heard stories and the doctor warned me of what a miscarriage would likely involve. What I experienced over the weekend didn't give me the impression that I was done. Nothing that had me reaching for that bottle of Vicodin the doctor prescribed "just in case." So, I've been afraid this could go on and on, they may want to do a D&C or medication to move things along, and honestly, I didn't want to do that if I could get away with not doing it. So I'm thankful this won't be a long, drawn-out process.

Geoff talked with Jaylen on Sunday night, and he handled it pretty well. He started crying a little when Daddy said there wasn't a baby in Mommy's tummy, but recovered quickly. Honestly, I feel kind of bad that we told Jaylen about the baby so early. He was just so excited. And I really didn't expect to have a miscarriage. I had 2 healthy little boys without any problems, and my mom never had a miscarriage, so I thought everything would be fine.

I work one day a week in a medical billing office, and the ladies there are so sweet. April came over last night to bring me some work, and had a gift and card. All the girls left little notes and signed the card, and then I opened the gift - the "Remember" Willow Tree figurine. Let me tell you, the tears started all over again! I so appreciate everyone who has been praying for us... it means so much to know people are thinking of us and praying.

I do believe that our baby is in heaven with Jesus now. That is both comforting and sad at the same time. Someday we'll see him or her, and what a reunion it will be!

Blessed Be Your Name

We heard this song by Matt Redman on our way home from the lab Wednesday.

I had to have a blood draw to check my HCG level because I was having a little spotting and passed a bit of tissue that morning. I was terrified that morning that I was having a miscarriage, but after talking to the nurse I felt as though everything was going to be OK. I wasn't bleeding or cramping, so everything would probably be fine.

The next morning, I headed to Bible study, and right when I sat down my cell phone rang. It was the nurse. She said the HCG was positive, but the numbers were a little low. She needed to talk to the doctor and would call me back. I called Geoff, told him what she said and that I would call him back when I heard more. A few minutes later the nurse called back, said to repeat the blood test on Friday (it should double it 2 days). I asked just how low the numbers were, she said they showed I would be about 4 1/2 weeks (I should have been almost 7). I knew then that we were in trouble. So I got the kids from childcare in church, and headed home. During the drive, I called Geoff. I cried most of the conversation, which Jaylen heard and prompted him to start crying. What a sweetie. I think it really scared him. If Mommy is crying, something must be really bad.

Geoff came home early again (thankfully - I was a wreck). So Friday I went to Bellingham for another blood draw and Geoff came home early to get Trevor off the bus. A couple of hours later, the nurse called with the results - the HCG went up, but only a little. I had told her earlier about some pain I'd had, so she scheduled an ultrasound at 3:30. I had about 20 minutes to figure out what to do with the boys, make some calls, pack some stuff for the boys and start drinking all that water you have to drink.

I am so thankful for my mom. She had to work on Friday (not her normal day) but she offered to help. So I called her, and we arranged for her to get Jaylen off the bus, and pick up Trevor from my sister Trischa's house where we would drop him off until my mom could get there. And she would keep the boys overnight - so nice.

Geoff and I headed in to Bellingham for the ultrasound. (Why do they have speed bumps in the parking lot at the ultrasound place? Don't they know how much water we have to drink before we get there?! )

I knew what to look for in the ultrasound, but didn't see it. The only thing we saw was a small sack (that looked empty). Next we headed to the doctor's office to talk things over with him. He explained a lot of things to us, and was very sympathetic. An ectopic pregnany was ruled out (which is what I was afraid of). Basically, what probably happened is: on day 5 of life, the cells split into 2 groups - one forms the placenta, the other forms the baby... and for whatever reason, the cells that form the baby just didn't take off. At least that's what he thinks happened.

I have to say, this made me feel a little better. Had we seen a little baby on the ultrasound, I think it would have been harder... He said the HCG levels were a bit of an anomaly, but to repeat the test on Monday. We talked over what might happen over the weekend and what to do...

Yesterday and today I've had some cramping and bleeding, and I'm assuming I'm somewhere in the middle of a miscarriage. I don't know if I'm just starting, or almost done.

Honestly, this has not been an easy week. I had no idea how hard this would be. But, my husband has been so good. And God is still great.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

And Baby Makes 5!

So we had a blast this weekend telling our families that we are going to have another baby!
We tried for a very long time, so didn't want to wait very long to let everyone know the big news...
Well, that, and we couldn't tell our kids till we told everyone else because we knew Jaylen would spill the beans! And the boys are SO excited to have a baby brother or sister... Jaylen's hoping for a girl, and Trevor's wishing for a boy. I don't think we'll find out what we are having, so it'll be a big surprise in the end!
My due date is May 27, so we've got a long ways to go... I just want to paint the nursery, set the crib back up, wash the baby clothes, find all the baby stuff and get it all organized. And then I have to tell myself I have about 34 weeks to do that!
Yep, I'm excited! :)
So far, feeling pretty good, although a little tired (what would pregnancy be without sleepiness?!). And if this pregnany is similar to my previous two, I may end up a bit nauseous in a couple of weeks... Right now praying this baby will grow stong and healthy, and we won't have any complications!

The "Shut Your Mouth" class

"The Bible has a lot to say about our mouths, our lips, our tongues, for our speech betrays us. What is down in the well will come up in the bucket." - Vance Havner

I love this quote from the book for the women's Bible study I'm in at our church. We just started and boy, is it convicting! The study description said a few things, including this: "Have you ever stuck your foot in your mouth, just to take it out and put the other foot in?" The book is called "The Power of a Woman's Words." So far (I'm only a couple of chapters in) this is great for me. What we say literally has the power to change lives, for the better or for worse! Some of the women started calling it the "shut your mouth" class, but it's really more than that. "A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver." (Proverbs 25:11)

My boys...

Look at these two cuties...

Aren't they the best?

I just love these little boys...

with their handsome blue eyes,

wearing their favorite Romeos - just like Daddy.

Dare I say (type) it? Trevor is potty trained... (now hopefully he won't regress because I just typed that!). He also is binky-free, and doing quite well. He still asks for one every once in a while (or asks if we can buy another one), but seems to be past it. And last night he slept in a toddler bed for the first time! I wasn't planning on moving him to a toddler bed just yet, but with the potty training, he wakes up and needs to go, so he cries and calls out for me to get him. I was leaving the rail down on the crib so he could climb out, but that didn't help because even though he COULD climb out, he wouldn't until someone went up there to tell him it was OK. :) So this morning about 1:30 he started crying and said he needed to go potty. I was really hoping he would have figured out he could go by himself, but no such luck. I'm sure he'll get it eventually! My little boy is growing up...

Happy Birthday, Trevor!

Trevor's 3rd birthday was last month... I can't believe my baby is 3! To celebrate his birthday, we had family over after church the Sunday before for Dutch soup, muffins, and birthday cake! Trevor was SO excited to blow out those candles -

probably more so than he was about opening the presents...

At 3, we are STILL working on potty training, but we're doing potty training bootcamp this week and last, so no more diapers or pullups (except at night)! And, we are making progress.

Trevor talks a lot (sometimes he doesn't stop!) and is getting a lot easier to understand, too. He loves fruit, but it's hard to get him to sit still long enough to eat a complete meal. If he had a choice, he would would graze all day long.

Kinda funny, the last week or so, he insists on climbing IN to his crib at night, but has yet to climb OUT of it! I'm not complaining, moving to a bed is one thing I don't have to worry about just yet. Probably sometime this summer we'll tackle that. He can now make it through the day without a nap, which is also nice if we need to be gone or have stuff to do...

Trevor is (generally) a pretty happy little guy, and very sweet. Every once in a while, he'll just say, "Mom, I love you." Awwww... how can I resist the little bugger!?